I Need You (Far Past Forever)
by icecreamcastles
Summary: In the end, he needed her more than she's ever needed him. He's needed her more than he's ever needed anybody. He needed her, needs her still, and it happened before he even realized it, let alone accepted it. And he didn't know how to make it stop. He needs her far past forever and he can't stop needing her. (SPOILERS FOR 'THE NAME OF THE DOCTOR') (one-shot)


_**I Need You (Far Past Forever)**_  
Summary:_ In the end, he needed her more than she's ever needed him. He's needed her more than he's ever needed anybody. He needed her, needs her still, and it happened before he even realized it, let alone accepted it. And he didn't know how to make it stop. He needs her far past forever and he can't stop needing her. (SPOILERS FOR 'THE NAME OF THE DOCTOR') (one-shot)  
_DISCLAIMER: Not my characters. Don't sue pls.  
AN: Basically I've *willed* this conversation into the episode because the Doctor's inner thoughts needed to be voiced. Not beta'd unfortunately.  
More Author's Notes at the bottom for more details but since they might be spoilery, idk decide for yourself to look before reading._  
_

* * *

Trenzalore is the one place he should never be and yet he's been dragged here, silence is going to fall, and for him it does. It already has. The hardest part in pretending and refusing to acknowledge her chattering away to Clara was while he was trying to get Clara and himself into some form safety.

River is being River. All lippy and sultry remarks sent Clara's way because he 'can't see her' and how he longs for silence now more than ever.

"Honestly, sweetie!" Even with the endearment River's voice is all worry and highly built irritation. Her patience is waning and being replaced with fear, "This isn't a red setting situation dammit!" But he ignores her, stubbornly willing the red settings to work even when, as is the truth, they don't work for this. "Think of something else!" she begs with a shout.

It's so hard not to snap back at her. Squabble right in the middle of chaos and near death because it makes him smarter and quicker even with their bickering. It keeps him grounded and makes him victorious. She always has.

"Doctor!" Clara's own fear sounds and echoes, confirming him as a failure already in his mind.

River gets so close, so very close and her voice rips through him. "Stop with the bloody red settings do something else now you fool!"

He screams in anguish and frustration because he can't, he refuses to acknowledge his dead wife and Clara is watching them uncomfortably, feeling an intruder in this moment that has turned far too intimate and he's unable to hide and he ___hates_ it. He's going to fail, he's already failed, and doesn't he deserve it anyway? He's failed everyone how could he have even hopep to spare Clara when he's already pursued her and damned her in choosing to do so.

He's ready for the end, has been ready, but the stupid stone door finally gives an inch and Clara helps him push and they make it to the other side.

Safe from Dr. Simeon, for now at least, he lets out a victorious "Ha!"

River is all fury and fondness as she looks upon him, both seem to always come together when it involves him, and then she says it.

"I hate you sometimes!"

And it takes his breath away, rips him to piece because she is the heaven to his own self-created hell. The scolding that means the complete opposite of itself, she says, has always said, in their ridiculous language only they under stood. The way they both said it, her equivalent of ___I love you._

___No you don't_, but he doesn't say it. He refuses it. Refuses her ___his_ equivalent of ___I love you too_. Their ___**alway**_**___s_** and**__****completely********.**

In the end, he needed her more than she's ever needed him. He's needed her more than he's ever needed anybody. He needed her, needs her still, and it happened before he even realized it, let alone accepted it. And he didn't know how to make it stop. He ___needs_ her far past forever and he can't stop needing her.

It always catches him mid-adventure when he reaches for Clara's hand and offers his other for River to take but her hand never comes. It catches him, suspends him and ties a noose, as he moves around the Tardis and the sound of buzzing static catches his ear, eyes searching, expecting her to appear in a puff of smoke and her hair indeed always looking like that because it was never her vortex ___making_ it look so. Hits him again and again as it always does because he suddenly remembers she won't be there. She won't appear and it's only his memory echoing her presence since he's become so attuned to her doing so.

It's the way he handles a lever that triggers the sound. It's the Tardis breaks that send a chill up his spine when he looks and expects a disapproving brow for his persistence to be difficult and do as he liked, not to spite her, never, but because with her annoyance came a knowing smile and a much inappropriate teasing. ___If you want I can leave you and the old girl alone for a bit,_she would near, a glint in her eye, ___I know you quite favor a vocal response once you've finished._

Such a bad, bad girl she was and yes he much more than favored any and every response from River. Every single one. He could read her silence and her tone. From teasing to scolding, fondness to being far past cross. He favors the first time he earned a deep, wanton response the most. Those responses that came from being tangled and hot and so buried within each other it was impossible for him to get anything done after that he was constantly cross eyed and utterly useless. Amy and Rory weren't blind and took notice as things changed in his and River's relationship but thankfully Amy never held him down while Rory decapitated him. He's sure it was largely due to the fact that he and River were married that helped ease some of the discomfort with the situation.

All he finds now is a shaping of a ghost because she never reappears and she never responds. Every single time he searches and then remembers because he just can't get used to it. It's not that he forgets___her_, it's the complete opposite. He doesn't forget a thing. Not a sound, not a laugh, not a whisper.

As time passed it got to the point where her never had to look, not once, to know she was watching. He could ___feel_ her love wrap tight around his old and shattered bones. Hear it being said without a sound to make it known. And because of that it's like she's not gone at all.

He doesn't have to remember her because she's always there to him. It's that he forgets she's ___not_ anymore. And it never stops surprising him and hurting him and it never does. It never will.

And he's had enough. He can't stand any more. He can't take it and he refuses to let it be taken when he can take hold at least one more time.

Her eyes are wide and disbelieving when he catches her hand.

"How are you even doing that? I'm not really here."

"You are always here to me, and I always listen. And I can ___always_ see you."

___You are my always, completely._

"Then why didn't you speak to me?"

Hurt clouds her expression when she realizes what he's been doing and what it ___meant_. She realizes, and is wrong, in thinking he's been ___ignoring _her.

"Because I thought it would hurt too much."

Lies. He bloody well ___knew_.

"I believe I could have coped."

And there it is. The doubt. The uncertainty. How she can doubt for one second how much he loves her is entirely his fault. She sees this as him coping swimmingly. Not bothered one bit and how wrong she is. He's not been coping. He's given up trying to, never really even tried. He's been waiting for death to show him mercy for once and take him completely and for always. His forever is River and there is no, will never be, a forever without her that he can survive for much longer.

"No. I thought it would hurt me."

___It's been the death of me._

"And I was right."

* * *

2ndAN: This takes place between Clara and the Doctor finding River's grave to River and the Doctor's interaction at the end.  
3rd AN: Since the confirmation of River's death ruined my life/existence I have written this to do so to you as well. And I'm sorry. I am really very sorry.


End file.
